The Birthday Party

Heellooo 
Just thought I'd share a little story about how I torture myself sometimes, I nearly didn't tell you because it seems so silly when I write it down but its very typical of me.
Ok so I think I told you I have just moved to a new country and I don't really know anyone. Hotty works away so we really haven't done any socialising. One of My Special friends school mates comes around all the time and I have met his Mum a couple of times. Well the other night she rang and invited me to her to her birthday party..........just a few girls she said...... we like a few drinks you might need to get a taxi home she said........we play cards she said............we place a few bets she said......nothing much about $30 in change she said...... we get a bit noisy and there might be swearing she said........are you ok with all that she said. .........That sounds great I said.........I haven't got $30 I thought......... It will be great to meet new people I thought.......... I'm trying not to drink too much anymore I thought.........I can't wait I said..........I don't think I want to go I don't feel like going out I thought...........I'll be there I said.
I got off the phone knowing in my heart I wouldn't be going but The binge drinking butterfly part of me was going.....bring it on.
 So party day arrives and I know I'm not going and I need to let her know........I'll do it later......it's like I'm waiting for a real excuse to come along........I know, I'll tell her My Beautiful Princess is sick......no thats a lie I hate lies.........I'll tell the truth I cant afford it............no she'll say come anyway..............its only lunchtime I'll ring later.........3pm, I should ring..........4pm.......I'd better ring.........4.30, panic now I have to ring .......I know I'll text.........5pm, this is what time I am meant to be there so I text, so sorry I wont be able to make it I will call you a tomorrow, happy birthday. I hit send then run upstairs and jump in the shower to hide. 
Can you believe how crazy this sounds, how I have tortured myself all day about this, how utterly stupid it is. I'm such a nutter sometimes.
I actually feel some relief in the shower......its over.  
I come down feeling better then I hear the phone ring OMG its her I just know it. Hello she says........oh hi did you get my text I jibber.......No she says.........Oh I'm so sorry I wont be able to make it I jibber........Why not she says........so I burst into tears, can you believe that, with a woman I don't even know. I jibber on a bit then end the conversation. As soon as I get off the phone I fall into my Humiliation hole. I used fall in there a lot but I haven't been for a while. Out of nowhere Precious Angel boy appears and gives me a big hug,.........don't cry Mummy......see why he is so precious.
Let me tell you about The Humiliation Hole. This is a deep dark hole and its where my inner critic and his friends self loathing and despair hang out. Its a yucky place and I hate going there, I used to wallow about in there for whole days sometimes but I am getting much stronger with all this emotional fitness I am doing, I can give despair a good run for his money now, a couple of good slogs in his guts and he backs off. The other two are a bit harder, this is how I climbed out this time.....
I found the good in the situation
I am a binge drinking butterfly in social situations (another whole story) by not going I didn't break my resolve and remained in control.
I cried in front of someone( this is total humiliation for me because I am in control and never let anyone see my weaknesses)so what its ok to cry, I am finding me this is so great, for me to be comfortable with this is huge.
I didn't waste $30 as you know I really need every penny I have at the mo.
The Beautiful Princess doesn't like it when I go out at night so I didn't upset her.
I really don't want to be in a circle of drinkers again, I have hidden in these circles for years, there is something better out there, different circles and I'm going to find them.
If she judges me who cares, I don't need anymore judges in my life, and she might not, she might be ok with it.
Step by step I climbed out of The Humiliation Hole and returned to The Happiness Path and now I feel completely ok with the whole thing.


I can't believe I am sharing this with you I am so out of my comfort zone opening my doors and letting you see me warts an all. 


There is somebody out there who needs to hear me and I hope I reach you. We are going to be ok ...you and me.


We are loved always and it is our divine right to be happy........


Love and Sparkles
xx