Oh my goodness everything was going so well then I fell in a big hole of self pity and I have been wallowing in it for a week or so now..........it was a biggy .......I fully immersed myself in so much negativity I even got a really bad flu. Then today I woke and I was out of the hole and back on the happiness path, yay!!!!
So what was in my hole....well where do I begin.......
It started with Hottys Grandmother whom I adore, having a heart attack (shes ok now), I started thinking about how far away from home we are, how far from all the people we love. My mother-in -law who's mother it is rang to tell us and she was feeling nervous about driving down to where our lovely Nanny lives and I thought if only I was there I could go and pick her up and we could drive down together. I just wanted to be there, then I thought what if she dies, we can't afford to go home it would cost over $7000 in airfares. We would be the only ones not there out of her 11 grandchildren and 17 great grandchildren. They are such a warm close family and I feel truly blessed to be part of them.....to not be there would be devastating. That of course lead me to my own family and my father who is 86, I really feel like I have abandoned him. My Mum who is my everything and whom I miss so much.My sister, my nieces and nephew, all my amazing friends...........what am I doing here so far away from them all.
I feel like we've sold them all off for a big pay packet. I tried to tell Hotty how I was feeling but he is very black and white and said "well thats just the way it is until we get rid of this debt"......."we're not going home there's nothing there for us" ..........."don't even think about it the kids are so happy we're not moving them again"............."maybe you should get a job".........so there I was deep in my hole wallowing when a big bucket of sloppy guilt came down from the top and landed square on my head...........so I let the guilty feelings about not working and how I'm not contributing drip all over me while I wallowed, then the flu came so I lay down at the bottom of the hole in all the sludge and curled up and slept for two days.
When I woke my head was a little clearer and I could vaguely see a light at the top of the hole, I remembered a blog post from Ellie at The Headologist about gratitude being the rungs of the ladder that leads to the top of the hole. I tried to be grateful, I find it very hard when I'm in my hole but I started with small things like my headache being gone, the fact I was able to sleep for two days as I don't work,how comfortable my bed is, my lovely Mum is here for a month, its a sunny day and eventually I made it to the top and this morning woke up feeling nearly new. I remembered all the reasons we left home and how exciting it is to be on this adventure, the fact that the debts are reducing. I can't really explain it but its gone just gone all those feelings that were so strong at the beginning of the week have disappeared. I think its because I allowed myself to really go there and feel them and wallow in them.
After a big wallow like that I find its very important to give myself some self love, so I really nurtured myself this morning caring for every inch of my body as I got ready for the day. I also fed myself in a kind way with healthy nurturing foods. This really helps me move on and my body responds so well to a little love.
Guess what though throughout the whole pity party not once did the guilt about the money return, I think I can truly say I have nailed that one.
Well there we have it another hole conquered,
you know what we ARE going to be ok you and me.
Love and sparkles
xx
P S I've started the "Goddess legs " project and it looks fabulous.
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